Fairhaven Blog

How many funerals, visitations and wakes have you been to where the casket has been open and the deceased on display for all to see? I know that within my own family on my mother's side, open caskets were practically mandatory at every funeral and/or visitation. But every family's preference is different and sometimes circumstances are such that an open casket is not possible. And sometimes it is the family's traditions and faith that dictate whether or not a casket should be open.

There are a variety of reasons people prefer to have an open casket. If you discount those who do it for religious reasons, when the determination of whether or not to do it becomes personal preference, many times the reason boils down to the grief of the family. For some, viewing their loved one in the casket helps them to accept the death and helps them to move on. For others, this ritual is seen as a sign of respect for the one who has passed. And in many cases, it is a chance for those left behind to say goodbye. This especially holds true if the person had not seen the decedent recently or if the decedent died very unexpectedly.

Four years ago, my daughter was awakened on her birthday with text messages.  The messages were not birthday wishes but news that a friend had been killed in a car accident. Understandably, my daughter was upset, perhaps more so because such a tragedy occurred on her birthday. She had not seen her friend recently, but she still felt the need to say goodbye. She went to the visitation, but there was no open casket because of the nature of the accident. My daughter wished she could have seen her friend, but understood why it was not to be. Even after all the time that has passed, she still wishes she could have seen her friend one last time.

The affects of not being able to see a loved one that final time can sometimes be felt for years afterward. Michael Alarcon, manager of Fairhaven Memorial Services, told me a story he does not often share with others.

"I was 18 when my grandfather passed away.  As a Catholic, we scheduled a Visitation and Rosary Recital to be held the evening before the Mass.  I was young, immature and unaware fully of the Catholic traditions; I chose to spend the evening of the Visitation and Rosary hanging out with my friends because I was certain that I would have an opportunity to view him in the morning at the Mass.

"I found out the next day at the Mass that the casket would be closed as the focus was on the Liturgy.  Twenty three years have passed since my grandfather died.  I still have an ache in my heart and wished I had been more aware of the Catholic tradition. I wished I taken the opportunity to view him when I had the chance."

For Michael, the dust of guilt now mars his memories of his grandfather's funeral. The last view, the last chance to say goodbye, had been lost.

When deciding whether or not to have a visitation or whether or not to attend one, you must think about what is important to you and how you will feel. It would not be beneficial to family members if you went to the viewing of a friend and were emotionally unable to deal with an open casket. And viewing is truly a personal preference as some people are afraid to view the dead.

For myself, it was never important to see the person in their casket. I viewed neither of my parents even though my siblings and friends of my parents did attend the viewing. I preferred that my last memories of them not be that of their body in the casket. My choice upset my sister, but I had to do what was right for me.

Growing up in a family that usually had open casket funerals, I had no problems with visitations as a child. However, caution should be exercised with regard to taking children to visitations as they may become frightened.  I remember when I was seven, my aunt Laura died. Her children arranged for a visitation, then a funeral and burial. Since Laura lived in Washington State and we lived in California, my mother had to race to get to the funeral. It was very important to my mother to see her sister one last time. She needed the closure. She needed to say goodbye and she had no qualms taking her seven year old along since I had been to other funerals.

Since we were driving, my mother was very afraid we would not make it to the funeral on time. The service was held in a small church in a very tiny town near where my mother was born. When my mother realized we would miss the funeral by an hour or so, she called her sisters and she asked that they hold the service for her. It was a story they all laughed about later that day at my Aunt Laura's wake, how the funeral service had been held so Mabel could make there from California.

To this day I remember my mother marching me and my two grown brothers up the aisle of the church to the front pew. We sat down and she told the preacher he could begin. After the service, she asked for the casket to be opened just for her so she could say goodbye. Everyone but my mother and her sisters left the church so the Mullins sisters could say goodbye to Laura.

That last chance to see Laura meant the world to my mother. She never forgot how her sisters made the preacher wait for her to arrive before starting the service and how the funeral director accommodated their wish to see Laura afterward. And as you can see, it is a story that remains bright in my memories of my mother and my aunt more than forty years after Laura's death.

The need to see your loved one a final time, to say goodbye, to find closure, to pay your respects or to see the proof that they are gone is something that in all ways affects the processing of your grief. Whether you choose to view someone or not is all part of dealing with grief and everyone must make the choice that is right for them.

Family Service Counselor Joseph Hartley Retires

People come and go in your life. They are born and they die. They move away. And sometimes, they just retire.

In December, Fairhaven Family Service Counselor Joseph Hartley retired after seven years of serving from his heart. Both his co-workers and the families he served were sad to see him go, but happy for him at the same time.

In the years Joe worked at Fairhaven, he wrote over 1800 contracts. That is a lot of paperwork! And a lot of families that he worked with. He helped people pre-plan so that their family would not have to worry when they passed on. And he helped them with final arrangements when they lost someone. He guided them, counseled them, grieved with them, and helped them find the best ways of celebrating the life of their loved one.

Joe was an exemplary employee who won the Counselor of the Year twice and had also received at least one Employee of the Quarter award. Even though he and I had a bit of a rough beginning when he was still learning how to be a counselor, no one cheered louder when he won his first Counselor of the Year award. And the reason for that is because he won me over as a co-worker and friend by showing me how easy it is to make yourself over and choose your attitude daily.

He proves the adage that it’s easier to catch flies with honey than vinegar. Even when things went wrong with a contract and my prickly Accounting self got a tad crabby, Joe faced me down with smiles and humility. He was so nice about everything that I couldn’t be upset with what had gone all wrong on his contract. Anyone who can send my crabbiness packing is an amazing person!

I’m not the only person at Fairhaven who appreciated Joe’s warm personality. When Joe had to assist a co-worker with the death of a loved one, he treated her with as much compassion and caring as he did the other families who walk through Fairhaven’s doors. It is all too easy to think that those of us who work here are used to death. But Joe knew this wasn’t true as co-worker Ruth Velez recalls.

“Your interaction with your fellow co-workers is sometimes limited, especially if you are in different departments. However, I came to know Joe Hartley even before he worked for Fairhaven Memorial Park. He was the consultant who helped us when we converted over to an electronic time keeping machine.

“Yes, back then we still were punching the Fred Flintstone-drop-your-card-in-the-machine-so-it-will-stamp-it. Even then you could tell Joe cared for his clients and wanted to ensure they were happy with his services. Soon after we tossed the old time cards and began punching in our codes with the new digital clock, Joe came to work for Fairhaven. Even after joining Fairhaven, he helped us when we would have issues or questions about the new time clock. I knew he would be a good fit at Fairhaven.

“It wasn’t until 2008 that I experienced just what a good fit he was. I found myself in Joe’s office, not for any company issues, but needing his help with planning my beloved father’s funeral. It was then, when I myself needed Fairhaven’s services, that I realized the magnitude and impact Joe had, and for that matter, we all have with the families we are privileged to serve.

“Even though my father had pre-planned his funeral, Joe guided my family through the arrangement process making sure that what my dad had wanted was carried out. His calm manner was soothing to my mom and my entire family. I will always be grateful to Joe for helping me through that trying time. I have a greater appreciation for him and know he has touched many more families by serving from his heart.”

Fellow Family Service Counselor, Lou Carlson couldn’t agree more with Ruth. Lou’s remembrance of his time working with Joe recalls how much Joe enjoyed helping others and his own special brand of humor.

“My friend Joe is a wise man. He loves people, loves to help them, and he loves to comfort them. He found —and taught me — that the best way to help and comfort is to serve our families well at this time when they need us most. This is one of the chief lessons, among several, that I learned from Joe during his seven years at Fairhaven Memorial Park.

“The second lesson Joe taught me is the one about a sense of humor. You’ve got to have one! If you take your own life too seriously, you won’t be able to bear up under the weight of trying to help others.

“Joe’s humor was gentle, though he could put a fine edge to it when needed. Since we are friends, I was once the butt of one of his best jokes. At a counselor meeting, he was leading a game to test the skills of the other counselors. The theme of the game he invented was based on the TV show Jeopardy. There were six categories (but he only announced five before the meeting). When the game began, he unveiled the sixth category and it was ME! Each ‘answer’ under my heading got funnier and funnier and the last answer was a code. The only counselor who recognized that it was the European license plate number for my new car was a counselor from Sweden (where we bought the car). It was one of the funniest counselor meetings we’ve ever had.

“It has been an honor and pleasure to work with Joe Hartley. I hope he will be able to find the time in retirement to continue to serve Fairhaven families through advanced planning arrangements. And, of course, I hope that he will prosper and enjoy abounding health and happiness as he finds new people to help, comfort and serve.”

The impact that each of us makes in this world can often be seen in the way we are remembered when we move away, retire or die. The staff at Fairhaven miss Joe’s presence, his smiles and humor and the way he dealt with each family’s needs. His way of gently dealing with each situation in a manner respectful of the feelings of others made an impression on everyone, something Marla Noel, the President of the company knows very well.

“Working with Joe Hartley was always a pleasure. He is the consummate professional. If I had a friend who needed our services, I felt confident to have Joe assist them.

“As many of us know, humor is sometimes helpful during stressful times. At Fairhaven, we also know that proper words are very important and that our use of humor must be in response to something a family may say. Initiating humor is usually not a good practice, even with very close friends, as I found out.

“I was helping a friend after the loss of his best friend, his wife. I asked Joe to assist my friend and sat in during the arrangements. My friend made some humorous comments, and I mistakenly followed suit. I made a comment, thinking I would chime in on the humor, only to have my comment fall flat. It was the wrong thing to say at the wrong time.

“Thankfully, my friend ignored my comment, but as Joe looked down, completing the paperwork, I saw the top of his ears turn red. Later, he never mentioned the verbal mistake until I mentioned it. He was a true gentleman in my lesson about proper words.

“We talk a lot about proper words here and it is one of our credo essentials. I will always appreciate Joe’s use of discretion in my blunder. We have had a number of conversations about proper words since and it was comforting to know that Joe kept a list of what we should not say and what we should say in his jacket pocket and reviewed it before he met with families.

“I will miss working with Joe and will always appreciate his help and counsel.”

One of the families he worked with his last few months before retirement said, “Joe made sure everything was perfect.” In their feedback, the families reiterated the same words his co-workers mentioned.

Caring, considerate, professional, helpful.

One family in particular suffered two losses in as many months. They stated that Joe showed them amazing personal attention. He remembered them from their prior loss and was exceptionally kind and considerate of their situation.

As you can see, Joe Hartley may have retired from Fairhaven but his legacy of humor, compassion, and respect for others lives on in the memories of the people he worked with daily and the families whose lives he touched. We all wish him the very best as he steps into this next phase of his life.

You've suffered the loss of a loved one. Your friends and family are well meaning, but maybe you need some more private help, something you can do on your own to help cope. Here's a list of ten things you can do online to help ease your grief.

 1. Light a candle to your loved one at gratefulness.org.

2. Create a memorial web page.

3. Join an online grief club or support group or community.

4. Search for a local grief support group.

5. Search for books on grief: Amazon's Top Grief Books.

6. Create a memorial video to be viewed online.

7. View videos about coping with grief. 8. Join a Facebook grief group.

9. Chat with others in a grief chatroom.

10. Write about your loved one in a blog post or journal or subscribe to a blog that talks about loss and grief.

Not everything you do to ease your grief has to be public or shared with your family and friends. There are many things you can do privately, on your own with the help of your computer and the internet. You can find resources and answers to your questions as well as find out how other people cope with losing a loved one. Hopefully, the links here can help you in your time of need.