Fairhaven Blog

Since Fairhaven is kicking off the Oliver Halsell Caregiver Award this week, I wanted to talk a little bit about caregivers and grief.

You do not have to be related to someone to feel grief when they die nor does the person have to be dead for you to feel grief. If you are a caregiver for someone with a terminal illness or you know someone who has been diagnosed with one, you know that the person will be gone soon. Even though they may still be with you, you begin to feel the effects of grief and loss. Mourning your loss before the person is actually gone is common.

On the Family Caregiver Alliance's website (caregiver.org), I found some very interesting information .

If you are the primary caregiver of someone you love, this experience can affect every aspect of your life for some time. It is natural to grieve the death of a loved one before, during and after the actual time of their passing. The process of accepting the unacceptable is what grieving is all about.

Anticipatory Grief

If someone has had a prolonged illness or serious memory impairment, family members may begin grieving the loss of the person's "former self" long before the time of death. This is sometimes referred to as "anticipatory grief." Anticipating the loss, knowing what is coming, can be just as painful as losing a life. Family members may experience guilt or shame for "wishing it were over" or seeing their loved one as already "gone" intellectually. It is important to recognize these feelings as normal. Ultimately, anticipatory grief is a way of allowing us to prepare emotionally for the inevitable. Preparing for the death of a loved one can allow family members to contemplate and clear unresolved issues and seek out the support of spiritual advisors, family and friends. And, depending on the impaired person's intellectual capacity, this can be a time to identify your loved one's wishes for burial and funeral arrangements.

We already know the benefits of pre-planning. Now there is an additional reason to do this. It can have a positive affect on your grief process to know that these arrangements are taken care of. Helping with the process of pre-planning also helps you to accept the inevitable. Families with loved ones in assisted living often rely on social workers and other caregivers to help them to know what to do when their loved one passes. Many caregivers offer referrals to funeral homes so families can pre-plan for their loved one.

At Fairhaven we have PR staff who do outreach to assisted living care facilities to talk about the benefits of pre-planning. The staff gives seminars to educate caregivers and family members about what they can expect when a loved one dies. We also have pre-planning counselors who visit these facilities to help families with their pre-arrangements. Our staff is quite knowledgeable about the benefits to the living of pre-planning for those who are ill, not the least of which is related to the grief they feel at having to make those arrangements.

Grief affects everyone at some time in their life. Sometimes the grief is stronger than we anticipate or occurs when we least expect it as in the case of a caregiver whose charge has not yet passed. If you are a caregiver who is experiencing feelings of loss and grief, don't be afraid to reach out for help. There are links to grief support groups on Fairhaven's website and the Family Caregiver Alliance website is filled with resources and information to help you through this time of loss. I wish I had had these resources when I was caring for my ill parents twenty-five years ago. It would have made a rough time much more bearable.

Just remember that you're not alone, help is out there and there are lots of things you can do to get through the grief process whether your loved one or your charge has passed or not. I hope this information and these links help you to find your way through your grief and loss.

~

The Oliver Halsell Caregiver Award pays tribute to Orange County caregivers whose kindness and dedication to serving others is inspirational. These courageous individuals go above and beyond their job description to serve with the utmost care and compassion. Fairhaven’s Oliver Halsell Caregiver Award winners come from many fields including private care, hospice, social work, counseling, assisted living, nursing, therapy and volunteer work. For more information, please visit Fairhaven Memorial Park's website under Community - Caregiver Award.

Charity Gallardo, Blog Coordinator – Charity has been the Network Administrator for the Fairhaven Family Group for 13 years. When she’s not assisting staff with their computer issues, she is a published author of romance novels, an award winning cover artist and a blogger. 

(ARA) - Ashley, a vibrant, active 37-year-old lawyer, mother of three young children and part-time Pilates instructor has a to-do list longer than her combined client case load. When she learned that her next-door neighbor, a mother of four children who pal around with her kids, had terminal cancer, her mind went in many directions.

How could she help? What should she say? How will the children respond? How was her friend handling this crisis? But one thought intruded regularly into her daily routine - if this happened to her, how would she and her family handle the impending end to her life? She was clueless on how to approach the subject, but day by day, as she realized the fragility of life, she became more convinced that a conversation was critical regarding her wishes and her husband's.

This is both an ordinary and an unusual scenario. Ordinary because few people younger than 40 have thoughts of planning for dying. Unusual because Ashley didn't dismiss her concerns. Rather, she wanted to tackle the issue and get to-do items done.

Hospice of the Western Reserve recognizes the courage it takes to approach one's end of life. As one of the country's best-known hospice and palliative care providers, the agency offers this kind of advice for all ages in a booklet called "Courage in Conversation: A Personal Guide."

The guide tackles not only the care you want in the event that you are no longer able to speak or think for yourself, but also how to begin the discussion - as early in your adulthood as possible. By talking about what you want, you are exhibiting the courage to confront one of life's most difficult moments - at a time when you are thinking clearly. There are a few points to consider as you begin this process:

1. Have a plan as to how you will share your wishes. Will you have things written down? With whom will you be talking?

2. Create an environment that is conducive to listening. It is usually helpful to sit down with your loved ones and try to be at the same eye level.

3. Share the information in small segments. Avoid apologizing for the information you are sharing. These are your wishes for one of life's most important moments.

4. Allow time for your loved ones to process information and respond. This is one of the most important things you can do. They may have questions or feelings to share with you, but may need time to process your desires.

Next steps may include researching resources to help support your loved ones, such as funeral and financial arrangements, creation of advance care documents - your living will and your powers of attorney - or simply stating where your advance care planning documents will be stored. Long-term planning will mean periodic review of your documents to ensure that friends, family members and even physicians are updated as necessary and that wishes have remained constant as new technologies are created and laws change.

This end-of-life planning process doesn't happen overnight. It takes thought, emotional readiness and time to sort out the options and ready oneself for this serious undertaking. Sharing your choices through conversation is an important first step. In the long run, the conversations will be the greatest gift to those you love, giving them the confidence to act knowingly on your behalf and the comfort of knowing that your wishes will be honored.

The first year after the loss of a loved one is the most difficult…it is a year of “firsts”…the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas, the first birthday, without that person.

The first year after the loss of my mother we struggled to maintain family traditions…my sister and I tried our best to recreate the holidays that my mother loved so much…but without her there, they seemed lacking.

The next year was a little better…as we began to combine the best of my mother’s customs with some of our own…this was the year we added Blue cheese and bacon to the Thanksgiving mash potatoes and had Mimosas on Christmas morning.

This past year we were able to find humor in remembering things my mother did…her 4^th of July themed tables and the jars of peanuts she put in our stockings. My sister and I can now laugh at each other as we are “becoming our mother”…I show up at her house with dessert and always bring holiday plates and napkins even though I know she has a stockpile of them from years past and she puts labels in the dishes on the Thanksgiving table so we know what to put where…and both of these things are exactly what my mother did.

I know that there are things that we will always do…things just like our mother did…but now the holidays are once again a time to celebrate as well as to remember.

This year as my family gets together…we will be embracing our old traditions and incorporating some new ones…there will be good food, family, and lots of laughter…as those are the things my mother loved best about the holidays!

It must have been a couple of weeks after my mother passed away when I first saw a Hummingbird. It hovered in my backyard, not just passing through but staying there for quite some time.

 

A few days later, I was taking a walk and along the way a hummingbird was once again there to keep me company.  I should at this point mention, along with Straus Waltzes, hydrangeas, club sandwiches, and the color purple, hummingbirds were among the list of my mother’s favorite things. Needless to say these first few hummingbird sightings were the beginning of many more to come. There were times when I would be outside and actually thinking about her when a hummingbird would appear out of nowhere and stay for a while.  After about a year of this, I finally confessed the hummingbird visits to my siblings, who both shared similar stories.

 

It’s now been 4 years since the loss of my mother, but because of these experiences, I think of her every time I see a hummingbird and it always makes me smile. Although missing her is now a permanent part of who I am, I feel especially close to her when I see a hummingbird. I would like to think it may be her way of visiting and letting me know she was thinking of me.

 

 

For many families, the need to plan a funeral comes unexpectedly. Complex decisions must be made at a most difficult time, and the cost of funeral services plays a large role in the planning process. Not surprisingly, most people are under the impression that funeral services cost more than they really do.

How much does a funeral actually cost?  What is a reasonable price range for a dignified, appropriate tribute for the person who has died?

No two funerals are alike, and your personal preferences might make the cost higher (or lower) than average. Overall, your final cost will be determined by three important considerations:

1. The services you select

2. The cost of caskets, vaults, urns and other items

3. Clergy, honorarium, obituary costs, flowers and other incidentals that can add to the services.

We offer many services that help make a funeral a personalized, dignified and healing experience. Some families choose one or two of these, while others choose more. You might prefer a traditional funeral, or an alternative type of service. Memorial services are available at our funeral home, or at a place that has special meaning. There are choices concerning burial or other forms of interment, including cremation. Your decisions will determine the final cost, but you may be assured that we will give you detailed estimates for any of the options you choose.

The funeral products we make available give you a wide range of choices in style, and in price. Your tastes may lean toward simplicity, or something more elaborate. For example, if you choose a traditional funeral with interment, you will need to purchase a burial vault and casket.  Families who prefer cremation will usually purchase an urn to hold the cremated remains. These may then be retained, interred, scattered, or placed in a columbarium niche. Various costs are associated with each of these options.

If you have preplanned the funeral, the choices we have discussed above will already be made, and you will have received a complete list of all costs involved. For this reason, we encourage families to consider funeral preplanning, because you will make these important decisions at your leisure, when you have time to reflect on just the kind of funeral you want, and just how much you wish to pay. Prepaying the funeral service also protects your family from those unanticipated expenses we mentioned earlier.

How much does a funeral really cost? To assist in your planning, we can provide a list of prices for many of the basic services that most families select. Please be assured that we welcome your questions about our services and prices. Do not hesitate to discuss funeral costs with us. We believe you have a right to know exactly what costs are involved in the services you choose.

I know that people tend to plan their funeral in advance when they have been to a good funeral or a very bad funeral. Yes, there is such a thing as a bad funeral. Not the right things done, said, planned.

I remember sitting with a family once and the minister asked if the family had any words they wanted to say about their loved one. No one had planned what to say and therefore no one got up to speak. I knew that there was much to say about this man who had lived a full life and was deeply loved by his family. His death was unexpected and they were not prepared. They did not know what he wanted for a funeral.

I have seen many great funerals where families came together and used what the decedent had planned or had the ability to focus on creating a great funeral. There is no one way to define a great funeral.  A quiet person who does not like parties and does not socialize much would not typically plan a funeral with loud music and a reception afterward. I, on the other hand, would like Led Zeppelin, a bag piper, a dove release, Good and Plenties (my favorite candy) and a reception with a lot of wine at my funeral. And, by the way, I've written some of my Eulogy. Hopefully, there will be much more added.

I encourage everyone to write down their wishes and let their family know what they want. You can pay for the funeral in advance. Typically funeral homes will help you with this and help you put the money in either a trust or funeral insurance. Set aside pictures that you would like people to see at the funeral and let people know what kind of music you want. Planning your funeral will help your family and make difficult choices much easier.

We recognize the significance of planning a funeral after the loss of a loved one. Someone you love has died. You may be feeling sad, angry, empty or numb. Despite these normal and natural feelings, you are now faced with planning a funeral or gathering that will be meaningful to your family. Our mission is to assist you and your family during this difficult time by providing you with some information, some ideas and some suggestions for ways to create a meaningful final tribute to your loved one.

 

There are three separate parts of a funeral arrangement; The collection of vital statistical information that will be used to complete the death certificate, the creation of the funeral service or gathering and the selection of a final resting place or a lasting memorialization. One of our Family Service Counselors will meet with you during the arrangement conference and guide you through the many decisions that will have to be made. The arrangements typically take two to three hours unless arrangements have been made in advance of need.

 

The California Department of Consumer Affairs has put together a pamphlet regarding funeral and cemetery planning. The pamphlet was designed to help you understand the funeral process and terminology so that you may make informed decisions relating to your funeral arrangements.

 

Funeral ceremonies help us begin to heal. They are the first step in the bereavement process. It is important to recognize that funerals are for the living. The funeral declares that a death has occurred. It commemorates the life that has been lived, and offers family and friends the opportunity to pay tribute to their loved one.

 

A well-planned funeral service captures the living essence of one who has died. We have compiled a list of suggestions that will aid you in focusing on those things that your loved one cherished throughout their life. A review of these items may help you to remember meaningful symbols that can be included to personalize the funeral service in remembrance of your loved one.

 

©  Put together photos of your loved one. This may be done at the visitation or at home at a family gathering. We have a photo board, where those pictures may be placed for the funeral service. If you would like to put photos together permanently, a poster board may be used for this occasion.

©  Play the favorite music of your loved one at the visitation, funeral service or at a family gathering.

© Have your family members write down their fondest memories or the funniest moments, or the most painful memories of your loved one. The memories may be talked about at a family gathering or documented in a memorial folder or a memorial book.

© Write a letter or a poem to your loved one to say goodbye. Place the letter in the casket to be buried or cremated, whichever you have selected.

© If your loved one had a favorite cologne, bring a bottle in for the visitation and spray the cologne on your loved one for final disposition.

 

© If there are young children or grandchildren, have them make farewell cards to place inside the casket.

 © Put together mementos that represent a favorite sport or hobby of your loved one to be placed on a memorial table at the visitation or the service.

© Have a video made from the pictures that you have gathered and have them coordinated with your loved one's favorite music.

© Ask several people to share their memories during the ceremony. This may be done formally by having three or four people speak in succession at the podium - or informally by asking those attending the funeral to stand up and share memories spontaneously.

© For those with a sweet tooth, hand out your loved one's favorite candy at the visitation or the funeral service.

 

These are all suggestions that may help you and your family to say good-bye. We have listed some questions below that should assist you in determining some meaningful additions to a funeral service.

 

Please indicate some of the unique qualities of your loved one.

Favorite Sports Activities or Hobby: __________________________________

Favorite Book: _________________________________________________

Favorite Music: __________________________________________________

Favorite Television Show:___________________________________________

Favorite Movie:_________________________________________________

Favorite Flower:________________________________________________

Is there a saying that your loved one frequently used?  ______________________

Some people have a favorite hat, pair of shoes, jacket, etc. Is there an article of clothing that your loved one was known for wearing or being seen in?

 

 

 

What are your fondest and most cherished memories of your loved one?

Answering these questions will help with the service, with the eulogy, with the obituary and with the way the service is arranged. We hope this helps you. If you have suggestions for others please send them in the comments, so that they may be shared.

 

 

            There are many ways to respond to the loss of a loved one. In almost every culture, ceremony is an important part of recognizing the loss and beginning the grieving process. The ceremony that helps to remember and honor that person can be healing to the loved ones, the family and friends of the deceased. I have heard so many say that they do not want a funeral, “Don’t make it a bother for anyone,” they would say and shake their heads. When I hear this, I shake my head. I will tell them what I told my mother, “The funeral is not for you, it is for the loved ones left behind.” It is important to make a funeral like the person; If they are quiet people, how would you best remember them? If they are a loud and boisterous person, how should you remember them? You shrug your shoulders. What would they want?

            Because we are all going to experience the inevitable, we could write down our wishes, honestly, thinking of the family and friends left behind. One of the best funerals I ever went to was the mother of a co-worker. Yes, he was a funeral director, but he confessed, his mother not only prepared her own funeral, but she updated it occasionally, changing this detail and that. It was a superb service. I never met the woman, however, I could support my co-worker, and attend the service. At the end of the service, I knew him better by learning about his mother. I found a new appreciation of him because of what I had learned about his mother. We all have the choice to preplan, at any age, and like this friend’s mother, we can update our plans every now and then. This is not an obsession with death, unless you work on your funeral once a week. It is pragmatic to check your funeral plan once a year, like your will or your insurance policies.

            You have the ability to plan your last ceremony. I find that people most likely think about planning their funeral after they have been to a very good funeral or a very bad funeral. Don’t let your very bad funeral be the reason for someone else to preplan. Write your wishes down on paper. Write out a brief or lengthy eulogy, whatever you want, but write it down, so that others do not have to imagine what you might have wanted.

There has been a death, now what do I do?

There is a lot to do after someone dies. This is not the entire list of things to do, however, it is a simple guideline to start the process. If you have to read and use this list, I am sorry for your loss. I hope that this will be some help to you.

Review any paperwork that may be on file at the decedent’s home for funeral plans and insurance information. Obtain the decedent’s social security number and any military paperwork. You will need discharge paperwork to receive a flag and other military benefits.

Determine if there was a will and contact the attorney for any additional paperwork.

Make sure you understand all of the death benefits and funeral coverage. If there is a cemetery plot already purchased, check to see if that location also has a funeral home. Making arrangements with one company generally helps to make the planning process easier for the family.

Contact your mortuary and your clergy who will assist you in arranging funeral or memorial services.

Determine the time and place of funeral or memorial service. This can be done at the mortuary, at your church or your mortuary may be able to suggest other locations.

Select the clothes you will want your loved one to wear. Don’t forget the details like underwear, makeup or nail polish.

Go through old pictures or writings of the deceased. This can be therapeutic, and you may want to do so with a small group of close family members.

Make a list of people to contact, for example close friends, relatives, church relationships and business associates.

Consider putting an obituary in the paper. Your funeral home can help you with this.

Decide the type of service that may be right for your loved one. If they had not preplanned, then try to design the service around the type of person they were. Consider the friends and family and try to determine their needs. Frequently a funeral service may help begin the grieving process. Many times a quiet person will select a small intimate service, which a more boisterous person would like an elaborate service with music, doves, horse-drawn carriages, a bag-piper and in some instances, clowns. I have seen a lot of things at funerals, including a knight in shining armor.

A funeral home can assist with all of the options relating to the type of service you or your loved one wanted. A traditional service does not have to be that traditional. A cremation may include a visitation or a memorial service. There are many options, and your funeral home counselor can assist with helping you understand what those options are.

Prepare a Eulogy. Funeral service or no, this is a good thing to have for the future, even if you do not have a service. I always encourage services, if possible, even if it is a small service at the house. There are on-line sources to help prepare a Eulogy.

Determine how many death certificates you will need. You will need death certificates to close out bank accounts, retirement plans and insurance policies. Some may accept copies, so ask first, if a copy will do.

Plan out meals for the family for the next week. Consider a special gathering after the funeral service. This may be a good time to show a video montage, if you did not have one at the funeral service. This may also be a good time for friends and relatives to share their memories. The more relaxed atmosphere of the reception might make sharing easier for some.

Find one or more hotels in the area for guests from out of town. The funeral home can provide a letter to the airlines to obtain a lower rate for traveling under urgent circumstances.

There are a lot of details to take care of when there has been a death. Sometimes, it is a good idea to reach out to friends, family or your church for help with this process. Your funeral home can arrange most of the details of the service, and most funeral professionals are good caring people who can help you through a death.

The weeks between Thanksgiving and the New Year can be both joyful and stressful. While we often find warmth and comfort in our family traditions, for someone who has recently experienced the death of a loved one, family traditions can make their grief all the more poignant, and tackling the season’s “to dos” can seem an impossible chore. But there are things that can be done to help those that grieve cope with the holidays.

The National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA) offers the following suggestions for those grieving this holiday season:
Take care of yourself, both physically and mentally. The pace of the holiday season can wear anyone out, but carrying the weight of loss on your shoulders can amplify your stress. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eating properly, and taking time for yourself.

Unburden yourself when and where it’s possible. If participating in traditions brings you comfort, by all means do so, but don’t be afraid to curb how much you take on this season. For example, perhaps you can be a guest at the family holiday party rather than hosting it this year.

Create a holiday plan. Decide which family traditions you want to take part in this year and plan out your participa¬tion. A plan can help you avoid getting caught off guard by unexpected activi¬ties or tasks.

Share your memories with others. The holidays surround us with fond memories. Don’t be reluctant to talk about those memories, and the special person who died by name. Sharing memories of your loved one with others can help ebb the loneliness you may be feeling.
Above all else, do what’s right for you. Your family and friends care about you and will most likely offer advice on what you should do. However, you are the only one that can fully understand what you need to make it through the holidays. Take time to outline your needs, then share your plans with your family and friends. Keeping your expectations realistic and letting yourself rely on family and friends will help you through your holiday grief.

For additional information visit www.nfda.org or contact a local NFDA funeral director about holiday aftercare programs. NFDA funeral homes around the country are participating in a national consumer education campaign, For A Life Worth Celebrating™, in an effort to help consumers make wise and informed decisions related to funeral service.

NFDA is the leading funeral service association, serving more than 20,300 funeral directors who represent more than 12,200 funeral homes in the United States and other countries.